Why I Wish Dinosaurs Were Still Here

I was skyping my lovely girlfriend Alexis the other night and we got into one of our random "what if" scenarios. We were discussing what would happen if dinosaurs still roamed our planet. To sum things up, I went on a rant about domesticating the dinosaurs and riding them to work. Of course, as human beings, we would try and domesticate dinosaurs! We do the same to a lot of other species. Why not dinosaurs? Sure, they could easily kill all of us until we are nothing but bones for them to pick their teeth with and leftovers in their fridges to nom on later. But, lions and bears and tigers and I don't know.. probably monkeys could kill all of us just the same. (See Planet of the Apes. You'll see what I mean). And I say we have done a pretty damn good job of making all of those animals our bitch. And of this thinking led me to this blog, and my thinking of why I wish dinosaurs were still real.

Reason #1: A less expensive ride to work! (And a helluva lot cooler)

I wake up in the morning. Not feeling like P. Diddy. And who the heck brushes their teeth with a bottle of jack? Kind of defeats the purpose of brushing your teeth in the first place, in my opinion. You might as well just drink your liquor, "musical artist" that I will not name, and skip the whole brushing the teeth thing in the first place. Ahem ahem.. anyway, I BRUSH MY TEETH LIKE A NORMAL PERSON and head downstairs to eat breakfast. And look at the time! I will be late for work! Oh wait, no I won't. Because I have a mother f***in T-Rex for a pet/mode of transportation!!! I saddle up Jeremy and head out on the road. He's a little cranky since his thirst for flesh and blood hasn't been satisfied, but he knows he only gets fed twice a day, so he will get over it. If you feed your T-Rex in the morning, it will get sleepy and not take you to work. Fact. Only feed him in the afternoon and night. To make him feel better though, I scratch that special spot behind his ear and he just purrs like a cat. (I like to think they could purr.)

That paragraph was getting long. I wanted a new one. So, we get to work and I park Jeremy in the T-Rex only parking lot. I then loosely tie him to a small metal pole and pat him on the back. As I head into work, I can help but think that Jeremy had that crazy look in his eye.. the one that says, "I'm going to eat anything that moves." But, I suppose he always has that look. He is at the tip top of the food chain.

It gets around lunch time and I get up to stretch. I look outside, and what do I see? Jeremy, eating the McDonalds across the street! And I don't mean just the building. He is literally eating all of the people and delicious chicken nuggets inside. I rush outside and run across the street, newspaper in hand. Jeremy is much too busy chompin on some arm bits to notice me. This gives me the perfect opportunity to strike him. I wind up and smack his tail as hard as I can. Jeremy yells his dinosaur yell and turns on me. I know I must reprimand him.

"HEY! NO! BAAAAAD JEREMY. NO, DON'T YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, YOUNG MAN! LOOK AT ME. JEREMY, LOOK AT ME THIS INSTANT! THAT'S BETTER. WE DON'T DO THIS JEREMY."

As I say that, I have to grab his head and stick his nose in what he did. Much like dogs, a T-Rex knows this means it has done something wrong. After a good rubbing in the aftermath of what can only be described as a horrific mauling, I know Jeremy needs some encouragement. So I pull an arm out of the rubble and toss it up to him. He grabs it in the air, I say, "Good boy!" and he smiles his little T-Rex smile. He gets on his back and puts his legs up in the air and I rub his belly. Jeremy loves a good belly rub after a feast.

Reason #2: Who needs an army of men when you can just wage war with dinosaurs? I call that epicly epic.

If dinosaurs are for sure good for one thing, it's for violence and fighting. Once you figure that out, it's pretty simple what we would do with them! Breed them and train them to fight for us. Would that not be an awesome movie plot? Dinosaurs Wars... awesome. So, pretty much America would have all that super cool awesome dinosaurs (T-Rex, Pterodactyl, all the cool evil lookin underwater ones, Triceratops and Raptors) and the other countries get those weird vegetable eaters. We win.

Reason #3: No more wondering what we would do if dinosaurs were real. I mean, they're right there. Go figure it out for yourself.

So, as you can see, our lives would be so much cooler if we had dinosaurs. But for now, it is simply a fevered dream.

Why Do All of My Blog Posts Start With a W? Wait.. dangit.

Out of the outstanding three (now FOUR! :D omg) blog posts that I have, all of them, including this one, start with a W. All of this was by accident of course. Except for maybe this one. Oh well. I guess W is my favorite letter. Which means I must love words that start with W. Hmm..

• Walrus- They are so majestic.
• Whiskers- That's why my friends call me whiskers! I also like kitties.
• Whisky (not really mom!)
• Whales- But not depressed whales... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_dEtaNx2Vc
• Waffles- Wheat waffles, to be specific. Just another W.
• Weather- I like weather watching. It's fun.
• Wheat- It's way better then white bread. And healthier.
• Wheels- Without wheels, where would we be? Wow, that first sentence had a lot of W's.
• Whips- Use your imagination.
• Whirlpools- We used to make these in our pool! It was fun to do it, then turn around and try and go against the current. Ahh memories.
• Whispering- Shhh....
• Whores- Okay, I don't like whores. That's just silly.
• Wives- I'll have one someday! They are pretty neato.
• Winning- Charlie Sheen reference? No. I just like winning.
• Windows- You can look out them AND look in them...
• Windmills- I mean, they look pretty cool. And you know, they grind wheat. One of my aforementioned favorite W words. Two for one!
• Wine- It smells funny. I prefer grape juice!
• Wings- Like, to eat or flying? Either way, I love em! What if I could fly and eat wings at the same time... nah too good to be true.
• Wampus Cats!- It's sort of an inside joke.. just know that Michael is sometimes not intelligent.

I think you get the idea. It's pretty obvious I love the letter W.

What if Jesus Was a Ginger?

This one is for you Michael. He's a ginger. And he smokes. Gross. But we love him.

So, what IF Jesus was a ginger? Instead of jumping right into the massive ocean of a question that this is, let's dip in our feet first. There might be sharks, and you can never be too careful.

First things first, we all know Jesus died for our sins. That's a given. We also know that if we didn't sin, Jesus would have died for nothing. So let's keep it up, America. Anyway, we also have the knowledge that gingers have no souls. If you don't know that, watch South Park. If you don't want to watch it because you think it's "dirty" and "immoral", then I feel sorry for you.

So, if the man who lives in Heaven was a ginger, and gingers have no souls therefore sending them to hell, what would have happened? Would he be given a free pass due to his Dad being sorta big up there, or do the rules of gingerism apply to all people? Could Jesus have gone to Hell?

No. There was no red hair in the Middle East. This situation is highly improbable.

Water Has Feelings Too

Why doesn't water have it's own dispenser at restaurants? I was at Salsa Rico, the USI equivalent of Qdoba, the other day and I got some water that was attached to some blue Powerade. I did what everyone does and held down the little water lever for an extra 5 seconds without putting my cup under it to wash out the Powerade that was already in the dispenser. It still didn't help. My water had an awful aftertaste of Powerade, and gosh darn I was seething, to say the least. I mean, is it really that hard for water to have it's own dispenser? It bothers me. If/when I become famous for whatever I end up doing, I am making a PSA for this. I imagine it will go something like this:

"Hi, I'm (actor, teacher, writer, rapper, dictator, and/or scientist) Cory Bess. Every year, approximately everyone who ever existed has been consistently disappointed with one thing. Not having water dispensers in our restaurants is causing worldwide problems. Let's let water have it's own dispenser. THE MORE YOU KNOW."

Yeah.. something like that. Is it perfect? No, but it certainly gets the message across.

Now that's out of the way, welcome back! It's my second blog. If you're reading this, it's probably because I told you to and you're either really nice or you pity me and want to make me feel better. Either way, I don't care! At least you're reading. As always, tell you're friends to stop by.

I hate commercials that have nothing to do with the product it's trying to sell. What does a woman fighting robots with a sword have to do with a phone? I'm going to guess not a whole lot. Then again, I'm no expert.

Random, but life is good right now. Really really good. Everything seems to be going exactly how it should be. It's pretty fantastic.

So, I want my blog to be a mix of goofy and random things that I think about and observe and maybe occasionally something serious, but only when I am really feeling it. I promise it won't happen often. I feel like people see and read things about politics, education, our economy and horrible events that I don't want that to be read here. So thanks for reading, tell your friends and keep coming back! It can only get better.

Welcome to my blog

Have we gotten to the point of relying so much on the Internet that we are supposed to capitalize (B)blog? I have no idea. I’m not going to.

Welcome to my first blogging post. Ever. Few things about me. My name is Cory Bess. I am a sophomore at the University of Southern Indiana. I am a Theatre major. I have dreams. That about cover it? Sure, what the hell. You’ll learn more along the way. See what I did there? Now you are intrigued, and you must read more. I should be a psychology major with the way I am messing with your heads. And besides, if you’ve read this far, you might as well keep going.

I named this blog Who’s Butt Is This because last year, I was sitting in my dorm room with my roommates and we were thinking of names for a sketch comedy/improv group. My roommate Jared suggested Who’s Butt Is This. We laughed really hard for no apparent reason. We found it funny. If we ever end up doing that, it will be our name. I found it appropriate for my blog title because it’s random and so am I.

The purpose of my blog is to entertain. I enjoy entertaining. Imagine me interpretive dancing to (insert funny and or awesome song here). See? You are entertained. I win.

This blog will be about myself and my observations. Don’t expect political views, juicy gossip or tales of excitement. In fact, don’t expect anything at all. Just read, and don’t question it. Shit, I’m sounding political. Retract that last statement.

I like random things. I have random observations and my mind works in mysterious ways. Boy, does that not just leave you wanting more?

I was sitting on my couch in my apartment today and I was pondering.. Why can’t I just start something and be somebody? I want to be known, or at the very least get my name out there. I got it down to three things. I will make a list. I love lists.

1. Write a blog.
2. Learn to play the drums.
3. Start a sketch comedy group.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be in that order, but I really wanted to write about it first. Now you know why I wanted to start this blog. I just can’t sit on my ass anymore and wait for people to start recognizing me. I’m not the son of a celebrity or a child of Bristol Palin. I have to make my own fame.

My roommate is playing a video game right now. He seems to get pleasure and joy out of murdering people and deer in the woods. He wants to be a doctor. People, take your kids to another hospital.

I think I’ll shoot for a new update once a week. Or whenever I feel like it. My writing is really choppy and comes in short bursts, as evidenced by my short and random paragraphs. Don’t let that discourage you. I sometimes flow. This is only the beginning.