Why I Wish Dinosaurs Were Still Here

I was skyping my lovely girlfriend Alexis the other night and we got into one of our random "what if" scenarios. We were discussing what would happen if dinosaurs still roamed our planet. To sum things up, I went on a rant about domesticating the dinosaurs and riding them to work. Of course, as human beings, we would try and domesticate dinosaurs! We do the same to a lot of other species. Why not dinosaurs? Sure, they could easily kill all of us until we are nothing but bones for them to pick their teeth with and leftovers in their fridges to nom on later. But, lions and bears and tigers and I don't know.. probably monkeys could kill all of us just the same. (See Planet of the Apes. You'll see what I mean). And I say we have done a pretty damn good job of making all of those animals our bitch. And of this thinking led me to this blog, and my thinking of why I wish dinosaurs were still real.

Reason #1: A less expensive ride to work! (And a helluva lot cooler)

I wake up in the morning. Not feeling like P. Diddy. And who the heck brushes their teeth with a bottle of jack? Kind of defeats the purpose of brushing your teeth in the first place, in my opinion. You might as well just drink your liquor, "musical artist" that I will not name, and skip the whole brushing the teeth thing in the first place. Ahem ahem.. anyway, I BRUSH MY TEETH LIKE A NORMAL PERSON and head downstairs to eat breakfast. And look at the time! I will be late for work! Oh wait, no I won't. Because I have a mother f***in T-Rex for a pet/mode of transportation!!! I saddle up Jeremy and head out on the road. He's a little cranky since his thirst for flesh and blood hasn't been satisfied, but he knows he only gets fed twice a day, so he will get over it. If you feed your T-Rex in the morning, it will get sleepy and not take you to work. Fact. Only feed him in the afternoon and night. To make him feel better though, I scratch that special spot behind his ear and he just purrs like a cat. (I like to think they could purr.)

That paragraph was getting long. I wanted a new one. So, we get to work and I park Jeremy in the T-Rex only parking lot. I then loosely tie him to a small metal pole and pat him on the back. As I head into work, I can help but think that Jeremy had that crazy look in his eye.. the one that says, "I'm going to eat anything that moves." But, I suppose he always has that look. He is at the tip top of the food chain.

It gets around lunch time and I get up to stretch. I look outside, and what do I see? Jeremy, eating the McDonalds across the street! And I don't mean just the building. He is literally eating all of the people and delicious chicken nuggets inside. I rush outside and run across the street, newspaper in hand. Jeremy is much too busy chompin on some arm bits to notice me. This gives me the perfect opportunity to strike him. I wind up and smack his tail as hard as I can. Jeremy yells his dinosaur yell and turns on me. I know I must reprimand him.

"HEY! NO! BAAAAAD JEREMY. NO, DON'T YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, YOUNG MAN! LOOK AT ME. JEREMY, LOOK AT ME THIS INSTANT! THAT'S BETTER. WE DON'T DO THIS JEREMY."

As I say that, I have to grab his head and stick his nose in what he did. Much like dogs, a T-Rex knows this means it has done something wrong. After a good rubbing in the aftermath of what can only be described as a horrific mauling, I know Jeremy needs some encouragement. So I pull an arm out of the rubble and toss it up to him. He grabs it in the air, I say, "Good boy!" and he smiles his little T-Rex smile. He gets on his back and puts his legs up in the air and I rub his belly. Jeremy loves a good belly rub after a feast.

Reason #2: Who needs an army of men when you can just wage war with dinosaurs? I call that epicly epic.

If dinosaurs are for sure good for one thing, it's for violence and fighting. Once you figure that out, it's pretty simple what we would do with them! Breed them and train them to fight for us. Would that not be an awesome movie plot? Dinosaurs Wars... awesome. So, pretty much America would have all that super cool awesome dinosaurs (T-Rex, Pterodactyl, all the cool evil lookin underwater ones, Triceratops and Raptors) and the other countries get those weird vegetable eaters. We win.

Reason #3: No more wondering what we would do if dinosaurs were real. I mean, they're right there. Go figure it out for yourself.

So, as you can see, our lives would be so much cooler if we had dinosaurs. But for now, it is simply a fevered dream.